The Diary of Bella Swan
by maddiee.xx
Summary: I was unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably in love with him. DON'T READ IF YOU LIKE TWILIGHT OR DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!
1. Day 1

This is co-written with my cousin, Sarah (xXxAngelSoPrecious). Both of us absolutely HATE _Twilight._ Sarah used to obsess but when I pointed out all the numerable flaws she hated it. So we've decided to write **The Diary of Bella Swan** because we hate those books so much. Thank you. :] You should not take **_ANYTHING_** we write here seriously. **_ANYTHING AT ALL._**

**_DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE A_ TWILIGHT _FAN/DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!_**

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**Dear Diary,**

I'm Bella. Actually I'm Isabella Marie Swan, but everyone calls me Bella. Or else I beat them up. It's really fun to do, actually.

So, a bit about me. I'm beautiful. I mean, I've got this really weird looking nose (but I make it look good), really ridiculously full lips, and pale skin. Oh and I'm as skinny as a stick, but of course I'm completely healthy, I mean I eat about once a day. I _pretend _to eat breakfast and lunch, but then I go in the bathroom to puke, so I won't gain an ounce. I eat dinner with Charlie at night so I won't die. I use adverbs excessively and use words that are really humongous and superfluous. Also I don't use 'say'; I use 'told me', 'mentioned', 'muttered', 'whispered', and any other superfluous words that mean the same superfluous thing...superfluously.

Oh and I'm irrevocably in love with a vampire. His name is Edward Cullen. He's over one hundred years old, but he looks seventeen. He was seventeen when he was turned into a vampire. Now he's eternally immortal. Superfluous. I don't think I've said superfluous superfluously enough.

And I'm also in love with a werewolf named Jacob Atramentous. Not really. His name is Jacob Black. But I thought 'Black' was so...insipid (that means bland). Hey, can I call him Jacob Atramentous, Diary? Do you mind? You're my best friend. :] Actually, you need to be renamed. 'Diary' is just as bland as 'Black'.

Did I mention I use adverbs excessively, like way too much? I do. I need to use adverbs, otherwise I'd perish.

Also, instead of using short words like 'die' (in that last sentence), I use longer needless ones like 'perish'.

Oops, not needless. I mean 'superfluous'. I have to make a mental note of it in my mentality.

About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edward was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him—which I assumed was wildly out of his control—that wanted me dead. And third, I was unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably in love with him.

I don't think I used enough adverbs in that. Let me try again.

About two more than one which is also three factors I was absolutely, entirely certain. First, Edward was most likely my soul mate, life partner, significant other—maybe. Second, there is a vampire component of him—which I assumed was wildly, impossibly, crazily, superfluously out of his control—that wanted me deceased, lifeless, and passed away. And third, I was unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, disreputably, positively, completely, definitely, and absolutely in love with him.

Much better.

Well, I have to leave you be for now. Edward and I are going to La Push to visit Jacob Atramentous. Good-bye for now.

_~Later~_

I stubbed my toe on a rock and started to bleed just a little—profoundly. Edward looked like a fat kid who just saw a free buffet for cake.

Well, I officially have to leave for now, Diary. Good-bye!

-Bella


	2. Day 2

**_DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT LIKE PROFANITY!_**

* * *

**Dear Diary,**

Oh my God! EDWARD'S A FUCKING VAMPIRE!

(No shit, Sherlock, did you just figure that out?)

Edward?

(No shit! Did you not get that I was talking about how great your blood smells?)

I thought you liked my perfume!

But anyway, Diary, it was weird! Cause like we were together and it was FREEZING, by the way, cause it's February, and Edward takes off his fucking shirt. Holy fucking shit. He has a SIX PACK!!! But then he goes in the sunlight and well like no one was there, and his skin started to sparkle.

(Bella, I've TOLD you, that was fucking glitter. I told you I wanted to show you a prank Jasper pulled on me. While I was sleeping--odd thing for vampires to do--he glued glitter to my chest. It's actually kinda funny, though, I will admit.)

I started to twitch. I threw a rock at him to make sure it was real.

(Which it wasn't.)

It bounced right off his abs, hit me in the eye, and now I have a black eye, a shiner, a bruise, a...

(WE GET IT! God, Bella, just shut up!)

And I bled a little.

(What, no more use of a thesaurus?)

Edward's eyes started to sparkle.

(I got glitter in them.)

And then he ran towards me fast, looking absolutely ravenous, famished, starving, hu...

(Oh God, not again.)

He rubbed the blood off my eye and licked it off his finger. He looked oh so satisfied doing so. It was like watching a child at a birthday party after they have that first bite of cake and chocolate ice cream.

(Why so specific with the chocolate detail?)

I asked him how I could sparkle. He laughed in my face.

(Because you STILL didn't get that it was a joke.)

Then he called me a Mary Sue and the funniest shit that some crazy lady named something Meyer came up with.

(Most of America agrees, Bella.)

I told him that my name was Bella Marie, not Mary Sue. He started laughing harder.

(Because you fail to see the meaning of 'Mary Sue'.)

I asked what this 'Meyer shit' was. Then he said one day, he'd knock me up, get me pregnant...

(God, not this again. Shut UP.)

...with the spawn of a demon, and we'd end up naming her Renesmee, the stupidest name in the world. Then it was my turn to laugh. Because one, I don't really care for children. But if I was going to have one, it'd definitely be a boy.

(You don't get to decide that, hon.)

He gave up and left. I asked if he was going to give me a piggy back ride home. He looked at me awkwardly.

(Again with the adverbs?)

I can't write anymore today, I just realized that Edward is finally here!

(I've been here this whole time, dipshit!)


End file.
